


And all I want with my life

by Dead_walking



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, but it's mixed with love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-21
Updated: 2018-04-21
Packaged: 2019-04-26 00:15:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14390091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dead_walking/pseuds/Dead_walking
Summary: There's a lot to figure out, but Alec and Magnus are determined to smooth everything out.





	And all I want with my life

He understood everything in theory, but that doesn’t stop anything from hurting.

When an arbitrary number of past lovers suddenly turns into kind eyes in a faded photograph and everything suddenly feels much more real that Alec has ever let it. Every small trinket, every gift that was purchased and given as readily as he gave Magnus the omamori, are all that remain of those that once loved Magnus just as deeply and fiercely as he does. But love wasn’t enough to stop the inevitable, just like it’s not enough to stop the terrifying thought that one day, he’ll become just an afterthought tucked away inside the same box.

To be opened, sorted through, and touched. Trailed along fingers that will no longer remember the warmth of his palms as they cup the curve of a soft morning smile. Alec wasn’t lying when he said that he couldn’t live without Magnus, but he never really considered the after, when he’s gone and Magnus is forced to live on without him. It’s enough to squeeze the breath out of his lungs. Because as much as it hurts to think about becoming a memory, it hurts more to think of Magnus alone, closed off or lonely after working so hard to open himself back up. So, while he still needs to process the lives Magnus has created, Alec is suddenly so very grateful for everyone who kept Magnus happy, who loved and cherished him, comforted him when Alec wasn’t yet able to.

It’s why Alec finds himself back inside the loft, the golden hues of morning now replaced by muted light. Everything is still and shadowed, with flickering candles and a music so faint, Alec can barely make it out. He would almost describe it as calm if it wasn’t for the treads of unresolved tension that bear down on him as soon as he steps through the door. Sitting in the middle of it all, with pillows surrounding him, and a martini loosely held in his hand, is Magnus. Looking every bit as frayed as Alec, and while it’s not quite like him, Alec almost feels the need reach for the glass, letting the burn of alcohol overpower the tremble that has settled inside his throat. 

Magnus turns fully towards him as Alec enters. Gone is the sharpness that lined his words over breakfast, replaced by a smile that’s equal parts small and pensive. It’s exactly how Alec’s been feeling since he stormed out of the loft that morning. Any other night Alec would follow the shine in those beautiful eyes like a beacon, but tonight, he’s cautious, giving himself and Magnus distance.

“Hey,” he says, when he wants to blurt out that he’s sorry. He doesn’t know how to navigate his feelings and instead of sitting down and talking about them like Magnus offered, they get caught and twisted, stuck somewhere behind his brain and he can’t quite reach them. So they fester, thickening and stretching until there’s a steady pressure between his temples and before he can help it, he says something stupid.

And he’s so tired of fighting, but he’s also too tired to look at all their fractured pieces and figure out how to smooth out their edges. But he wants to be whole again, complete and happy, until they can both focus on now instead of the after. Because if all they have is this, Alec wants to make the most of every single moment he’s given.

“I haven’t been handling this well,” Alec starts because he’s not sure how else to handle this outside of jumping straight into it.

“Look, Alexander, we’re both-”

“Magnus, I love you.” With everything going on with his mother and Jace and the Owl, there’s so little Alec is certain of, but at least he has this. The curve of Magnus’ lips when he laughs and the way his eyes crinkle when he smiles. Alec loves Magus, fully and completely, and there’s absolutely nothing that can change that. “But this entire thing-” his mortality, everyone who came before him, and the idea of after- “it’s just, a lot. And every time I think I have it figured out, or that I’m okay with everything, something pops up and I guess I’m not as good as handling everything as I thought I was. That’s on me though and I’m sorry for taking it out on you.”

Magnus nods, a slow and contemplative thing. A nod he’s likely used with George and everyone else that had to have this conversation. And it hurts. Maybe more than it has a right to, but the pain is shifting, settling into a place that feels more manageable.

“Figuring this all out is never easy,” Magnus says, and Alec can hear the wear of centuries in the drag of his words. “If it’s any consolation, being immortal doesn’t necessarily make me immune to saying things impulsively either.”

“No kidding. A child, huh?”

“Would you feel better if I admitted I was no better?”

Alec allows himself a sheepish smile. “Maybe. But I kind of feel like I deserved it.”

“Well, there’s something we can agree on.” There’s an easy honestly that makes the room feel bigger, like the walls aren’t crumbling in on them. It reminds Alec when he stood on the edge of his future and kissed Magnus after their first date.

With some of the tension slipping, Alec sits himself next to Magnus. The touch of their thighs pressing together is the most grounding thing Alec’s felt in the past forty-eight hours and he wants to lose himself in it. To slip back into a time when he didn’t have to think about the fact that he’s a shadowhunter and Magnus is a warlock and all the complications that come with it. But he knows they need to face this before they can make it through to the other side. There’s a small comfort in the fact that he’s always been determined, driven and stubborn until his objectives were succeeded. With Magnus at his side, he knows they can beat this. He just wishes he knew the first step in the process.

Silence falls over them. It’s thoughtful, but mostly exhausted. It roots inside Alec and from the dip of Magnus’ eyes, it’s rooted inside him, too. “We’re both working through things,” Magnus says, “I think we’ll both have an easier time if we cut each other some slack. I was out of line this morning” It’s a soft admission, paired with Magnus moving his hand until his pinky is brushing Alec’s leg. “I told you before that this is new to me, too. That goes beyond you being a Shadowhunter. Everything in that box belonged to someone that’s a part of me, a part that I’m going to cherish so long as I’m alive, but this,” he says, reaching further until their fingers are loosely entwined, “us, it’s everything to me, Alexander. The thought of losing you, of going through everything again-”

The rest is lost to an exhale and without thinking, Alec reaches for him. Gently running his thumb against Magnus’ eat until familiar fingers wrap around his wrist “I never meant to make you think about that,” Alec says. “I just can’t imagine a day when I don’t get to wake up and see that incredible face.”

“Neither can I,” Magnus says, and it’s so soft and earnest and it makes Alec ache in a different sort of way. “So let’s focus on the mornings we do have. Try to save the rest for later.”

It’s not a promise Alec can make, so he settles for an, “I’ll try.” He sighs, not quite managing to expel all the confusion and anger and fear that somehow managed to burrow inside him, but it’s a start. There’s so much to come to terms with and figure out, but sitting here, arms wrapped tightly around Magnus, it makes Alec certain that they’ll do whatever it takes to smooth everything out.

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts, opinions, kudos, feed my writing soul.
> 
> Come say hi on tumblr [@the-roci](http://the-roci.tumblr.com)


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